Eight

Bella turns eight tomorrow. 


My precious, unpretentious girl - full of life, unabashedly affectionate, and eager to share a smile and a giggle. 


Lover of animals. 


Loyal friend.


Tender heart. 


Compassionate.


My Bella turns eight tomorrow.


How can this be?


She was not supposed to survive one week.


Then, well, odds were not good pre-transplant.


Hopefully she will make it to her fifth birthday, they said.


And here we are.


Bella turns eight tomorrow.


Do you believe in miracles?


I certainly do.


What about those who have lost their loved ones?


Admittedly I do not know - I plan to ask God about that myself.


But what I DO know


My Bella turns eight tomorrow.


A bright, tangible ray of hope. An answered prayer. An example of how the journey of faith resides in the tension between the brutal and the beautiful.

Happy Birthday, sweet girl. Mama and Daddy love you to the moon and back - times infinity.

Being Bella's Mom

Being Bella's mom means I live with fear.

I awake every night, place my hand across her chest, to ensure that she is breathing.

Being Bella's mom means I live with the difficult choices I have had to make.

I know that in doing so, people will not understand and that can be lonely.

Being Bella's mom means I live with permanent heartache.

I know that, with our current medicinal science, I may someday have to tell her that she cannot bear children.

Being Bella's mom means I live with sheer terror.

I know that it is quite possible that I could outlive her.

Being Bella's mom means I live with sorrow.

I know we will lose our house, and perhaps experience financial ruin, due to her outrageous medical costs.

Being Bella's mom means I live with disappointment.

I know that I can never move my family overseas as I would have loved, due to the lack of her immune system and the proper care.

And yet...

Being Bella's mom means I get to experience pure joy.

I know what it is like to behold a miracle.

Being Bella's mom means I get to experience raw Faith.

I know what doubt looks like, and I know a God who can handle it.

Being Bella's mom means I get to live in the moment.

I know what it means to truly take nothing for granted.

Being Bella's mom means I get to carry another's burden.

I know what it is like to be loved and cared for by a village, and I will do everything in my power to do the same for another.

Being Bella's mom means I have Hope.

I know that there is more to life than this - on any given day.

Being Bella's mom means I get, well, I get what really matters.

Period.

Just from witnessing her smile.

Abeni's 1st Birthday Party

Yesterday was Abeni's First Birthday party.

What a great time we had! The house was filled with beautiful Ethiopian children, amazing parents and siblings, and amazing friends who have been a support through this journey.

At one point I just stopped and watched all that was going on around me. I, for once, did not feel teary-eyed. i just felt so filled with joy and that rare but wonderful state of contentment.

I looked at the man whom I married - a man who is brave, courageous, loves me and our girls so unconditionally, a man who has stuck with me. This man is one who has never once made me feel guilty that I could not give him more children. This is a man who never questioned for ONE moment whether or not to give his daughter his kidney - even knowing it was life-threatening for him. This is a man who was willing to put his heart out there for a baby he had never met, and now is totally in love.

I watched Bella as she played with her three girlfriends. I watched her help her little sister open gifts. I watched her love being a hostess and making sure all the kids felt welcome and cared for. This thriving, beautiful, smart girl with a compassionate heart was not supposed to live past the age of five.

And I watched Abeni. This beautiful gift who I am convinced has traits like me! This baby girl loving all the attention, already fighting with her BFF over toys, and giving hugs and snuggles to whomever is available to receive one.

How is it possible?

How does one reconcile so much grief in one's lifetime and so much joy at the same time?

I do not have the answer to this.

But I will say - I could not have come this far on my life's journey without God. I know how that sounds - I know it can be such a cliche. I know when I have read statements like that, I have rolled my eyes, too.

Please hear me - I am not saying that I am thankful to God for how He has "blessed" me with my daughters and my husband, although I certainly am.

I am thankful to God for how He has "blessed" me by allowing hardship and grief so that He could knock my socks off by showing me who He REALLY is...His character, the immense freedom I have in knowing Him, and how much He loves me.

And this is why I do not like the words "blessed" and "blessing" because we only use them when something that we and the world perceive as good happens. So much of life's blessings do NOT happen in these moments - they happen in the grievous ones when we are on our knees.

So, as I enjoy my family and its completion, my heart is full and I am enjoying the sweet ride of contentment right here. Right now.