Yesterday was Abeni's First Birthday party.
What a great time we had! The house was filled with beautiful Ethiopian children, amazing parents and siblings, and amazing friends who have been a support through this journey.
At one point I just stopped and watched all that was going on around me. I, for once, did not feel teary-eyed. i just felt so filled with joy and that rare but wonderful state of contentment.
I looked at the man whom I married - a man who is brave, courageous, loves me and our girls so unconditionally, a man who has stuck with me. This man is one who has never once made me feel guilty that I could not give him more children. This is a man who never questioned for ONE moment whether or not to give his daughter his kidney - even knowing it was life-threatening for him. This is a man who was willing to put his heart out there for a baby he had never met, and now is totally in love.
I watched Bella as she played with her three girlfriends. I watched her help her little sister open gifts. I watched her love being a hostess and making sure all the kids felt welcome and cared for. This thriving, beautiful, smart girl with a compassionate heart was not supposed to live past the age of five.
And I watched Abeni. This beautiful gift who I am convinced has traits like me! This baby girl loving all the attention, already fighting with her BFF over toys, and giving hugs and snuggles to whomever is available to receive one.
How is it possible?
How does one reconcile so much grief in one's lifetime and so much joy at the same time?
I do not have the answer to this.
But I will say - I could not have come this far on my life's journey without God. I know how that sounds - I know it can be such a cliche. I know when I have read statements like that, I have rolled my eyes, too.
Please hear me - I am not saying that I am thankful to God for how He has "blessed" me with my daughters and my husband, although I certainly am.
I am thankful to God for how He has "blessed" me by allowing hardship and grief so that He could knock my socks off by showing me who He REALLY is...His character, the immense freedom I have in knowing Him, and how much He loves me.
And this is why I do not like the words "blessed" and "blessing" because we only use them when something that we and the world perceive as good happens. So much of life's blessings do NOT happen in these moments - they happen in the grievous ones when we are on our knees.
So, as I enjoy my family and its completion, my heart is full and I am enjoying the sweet ride of contentment right here. Right now.
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Monday, January 11, 2010
Friday, November 13, 2009
6 months ago..
Tsegaye and Almaz put this beautiful, amazing baby girl into my arms for the first time. I will never, ever forget that moment....what it was like to finally hold my daughter.
Abeni Joy - Mama and Daddy are over the moon to have you finally home with us. We have relished every moment.
We love you.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Fall Update
Oh, where does the time go?
I cannot believe I have not blogged since July. Crazy. So, rather than bore you as I know we all have many, many blogs to read these days, here is a brief update.
Bella::
Started Kindergarten this year! This is a huge milestone for us as, when she was born, we were told "she would be lucky to live 'til Kindergarten". So, as expected, it was a very emotional time for me, especially. We were fortunate enough to find a school with a smaller class-size and a great teacher who has loved Bella and encouraged her in who God created her to be.
We did, however, find ourselves in quarantine for three weeks this Fall due to the H1N1 virus. I am not going to get into all of the controversy about the vaccine, but I will say, that when the Infectious Disease doctors from Lucille Packard Children's Hospital at Stanford (in the top five Children's hospitals in the world, #1 in pediatric transplant) send us a letter explaining the risk involved in H1N1 vs. a seasonal flu, and how, for kiddos like Bella, it is life-threatening. So, we pulled Bella out of school when H1N1 hit, and she remained quarantined for three weeks until we could get the injectable vaccination, at which time we did not have tuna for two weeks to offset the mercury! ;)
Abeni::
She is now just about 10 months old. She has four teeth. She is standing on her own, crawling all over the house, getting into everything, picking up and eating pieces of food on her own, and babbling like crazy.
The crazy thing is that I find myself calling my sister all the time, completely blown away by my baby's brilliance and premature milestones, only to find that she is hitting every benchmark right on time. ;) For us, it is a bit of a conundrum as we have never had a healthy baby before.
So, this is our little family in a nutshell. I will write more later, but for now, here are some pictures of our girls.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Good News, Again
We heard from Sharon this morning.
We received a referral for a beautiful six week old baby girl. The name she was given is "Yordanes" which means "Jordan River".
She, too, was abandoned to the same orphanage as Tigist. The GREAT NEWS is that she is already at the Transition House run by our orphanage. Yeah!
So, we are reservedly excited.
We received a referral for a beautiful six week old baby girl. The name she was given is "Yordanes" which means "Jordan River".
She, too, was abandoned to the same orphanage as Tigist. The GREAT NEWS is that she is already at the Transition House run by our orphanage. Yeah!
So, we are reservedly excited.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Overwhelming Grief
On Tuesday, February 16th, Sharon at CHI called to give us the horrific news.
Our baby girl had passed away on Valentine's Day from sepsis. There was nothing they could do. This is the first time this has happened to CHI's Ethiopia team.
I have to say I have not felt such deep, soul-wrenching grief since Bella was diagnosed at one week old with her Congenital Nephrotic Syndrome.
Even as I write this, almost a week later, I cannot stop the tears from flowing. It is hard to describe, but from the moment I saw Tigist's photo, I was her Mama.
As simple and profound as that.
But grief is not all I have felt, I have also felt quite angry. When we signed a contract with CHI, we were told we did not have to redo our dossier or home study, and yet, that was exactly what we had to do which set us back four more months. We were referred the wrong baby at Christmas time. And now this. I am fully aware that these setbacks were not intentional in any way, but I do wish that CHI would just take some responsibility for their part in it all.
As a result of Tigist's death, we also lost our court date. We will receive another referral in the next week or two, but then again, will have to wait yet another month for a court date.
Very discouraging, to say the least.
So what does one do with despair? Well, you lean into it when needed, and lean out of it with a lot of willpower. I spend a lot of time talking to God, screaming, wailing, all of it. Martin and I are spending a lot of time hugging each other, hugging our daughter, sharing this journey together.
This week at our home group we are going to have a little memorial service for Tigist. We are creating a little memory box for her which will include her death certificate and the address where she is buried. We hope to visit it when we are in Ethiopia this spring. I also continue to pray for her biological mom who abandoned her as I cannot imagine that would be easy for ANY mom to do.
As you may have noticed, we are referring to our baby girl in heaven as Tigist. That was her legal name. Had we appeared before the court, her name would have been changed to Abeni. We are reserving the right to give the daughter we actually do bring home this name and want to honor Tigist for who she is, where she lived and died.
And now we pray for strength. Strength to mourn and somehow, by God's grace, still be able to celebrate that new referral when it arrive. To somehow, by God's grace, be able to embrace this new baby girl as our daughter. That is just something that is supernatural.
As simple and profound as that.
Our baby girl had passed away on Valentine's Day from sepsis. There was nothing they could do. This is the first time this has happened to CHI's Ethiopia team.
I have to say I have not felt such deep, soul-wrenching grief since Bella was diagnosed at one week old with her Congenital Nephrotic Syndrome.
Even as I write this, almost a week later, I cannot stop the tears from flowing. It is hard to describe, but from the moment I saw Tigist's photo, I was her Mama.
As simple and profound as that.
But grief is not all I have felt, I have also felt quite angry. When we signed a contract with CHI, we were told we did not have to redo our dossier or home study, and yet, that was exactly what we had to do which set us back four more months. We were referred the wrong baby at Christmas time. And now this. I am fully aware that these setbacks were not intentional in any way, but I do wish that CHI would just take some responsibility for their part in it all.
As a result of Tigist's death, we also lost our court date. We will receive another referral in the next week or two, but then again, will have to wait yet another month for a court date.
Very discouraging, to say the least.
So what does one do with despair? Well, you lean into it when needed, and lean out of it with a lot of willpower. I spend a lot of time talking to God, screaming, wailing, all of it. Martin and I are spending a lot of time hugging each other, hugging our daughter, sharing this journey together.
This week at our home group we are going to have a little memorial service for Tigist. We are creating a little memory box for her which will include her death certificate and the address where she is buried. We hope to visit it when we are in Ethiopia this spring. I also continue to pray for her biological mom who abandoned her as I cannot imagine that would be easy for ANY mom to do.
As you may have noticed, we are referring to our baby girl in heaven as Tigist. That was her legal name. Had we appeared before the court, her name would have been changed to Abeni. We are reserving the right to give the daughter we actually do bring home this name and want to honor Tigist for who she is, where she lived and died.
And now we pray for strength. Strength to mourn and somehow, by God's grace, still be able to celebrate that new referral when it arrive. To somehow, by God's grace, be able to embrace this new baby girl as our daughter. That is just something that is supernatural.
As simple and profound as that.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Will There Ever be Good News?
Yesterday we received MORE bad news on the adoption. A few months ago, the wait time between receiving one's referral (getting the call that you have been matched with a child) and traveling to Ethiopia to be there for your court date was about 5 to 6 weeks. We were told yesterday that the wait time between referral and court date has jumped to 4 to 5 MONTHS! Are you kidding me!?!?!?
Honestly, I cannot help but feel bitter right now. I understand that there is nothing our agency can do...there are only two judges within Ethiopia that deal with International adoptions, and the number of parents applying has tripled. However, if we had not run into the rotten luck of two separate bad agency workers, we would have our daughter by now.
And yes, still NO referral. We got a call over the holidays, but it was a referral for the wrong child. They had not read nor updated our file.
Yes, I am well aware of God's perfect timing. I have personally experienced it through a miscarriage, a very sick daughter, infertility, a near death experience myself, you name it. But I firmly believe that I can be fed up, sick and tired of waiting, angry, disappointed, discouraged, sad, grieving, and still know the power of my God and the Hope I have in Him.
The God I know is like a prism. He is not one dimensional. When I look to Him, what I see - what He reveals to me - will look very different than the next person. That is not because He is ever-changing, it is because I am. So, amidst all these emotions and amidst this rocky, bumpy trail of life I experience, I will bring all I am, all I am feeling, to Him and dump it. :) And then let Him do His transformational thing in me.
Lately, it seems Christians are being attacked for being cold-hearted, close-minded, out of touch with reality, judgmental. I invite these very critics to come over and stay at MY home for a week and meet the amazing people in MY life. They just might be surprised.
Honestly, I cannot help but feel bitter right now. I understand that there is nothing our agency can do...there are only two judges within Ethiopia that deal with International adoptions, and the number of parents applying has tripled. However, if we had not run into the rotten luck of two separate bad agency workers, we would have our daughter by now.
And yes, still NO referral. We got a call over the holidays, but it was a referral for the wrong child. They had not read nor updated our file.
Yes, I am well aware of God's perfect timing. I have personally experienced it through a miscarriage, a very sick daughter, infertility, a near death experience myself, you name it. But I firmly believe that I can be fed up, sick and tired of waiting, angry, disappointed, discouraged, sad, grieving, and still know the power of my God and the Hope I have in Him.
The God I know is like a prism. He is not one dimensional. When I look to Him, what I see - what He reveals to me - will look very different than the next person. That is not because He is ever-changing, it is because I am. So, amidst all these emotions and amidst this rocky, bumpy trail of life I experience, I will bring all I am, all I am feeling, to Him and dump it. :) And then let Him do His transformational thing in me.
Lately, it seems Christians are being attacked for being cold-hearted, close-minded, out of touch with reality, judgmental. I invite these very critics to come over and stay at MY home for a week and meet the amazing people in MY life. They just might be surprised.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
So. It has been almost two years since we started this adoption process. Yesterday, some friends of ours who started the process after us received their referral for a baby boy. Today, our agency alerted six families of their referrals. And here I sit in my bed with an awful cold feeling very sorry for myself.
And the worst part is - I know better! I know better than to sit here wallowing in self-pity as my husband brings me soup, stayed home from work so I could get better, and a daughter always delivering hugs and kisses and patting my arm telling me "you will feel better soon, Mama".
So, it is time to get over myself and choose to once again pray myself beyond this all-American thirty-something sense of entitlement. It is ugly and far more contagious than the cold I've got.
And the worst part is - I know better! I know better than to sit here wallowing in self-pity as my husband brings me soup, stayed home from work so I could get better, and a daughter always delivering hugs and kisses and patting my arm telling me "you will feel better soon, Mama".
So, it is time to get over myself and choose to once again pray myself beyond this all-American thirty-something sense of entitlement. It is ugly and far more contagious than the cold I've got.
Monday, October 20, 2008
So It Begins...Two years later
Adoption Update:
Well, our dossier officially arrived in Ethiopia on May 2, 2008. We have been told that it takes anywhere from 6 to 10 months before receiving a referral (a picture and medical report of a baby girl 0-12 months who has been chosen for us). Last week we received an update from our adoption agency stating that the longest wait (as of last week) by a family for their referral for a child in the same age bracket as we have requested was 5 1/2 months.
And that is exactly where we are right now...5 1/2 months. So, we are choosing to remain hopeful and get excited about the fact that our referral could come any day now.
In the meantime, our I-600A form (the document from the INS that grants us permission to adopt internationally) expires on Dec. 14th. So, we have asked for an extension and pray that is granted before our this original one expires! Honestly, the paperwork just is never-ending!
We are also applying for financial aid to various wonderful organizations designed for adoptive families such as ours. I am sure with the economic downturn, there will be even more competition for those funds, but we believe there is something out there earmarked just for us! :)
We are getting really excited. I am already starting to clean out the guest room a bit and try to visualize what I would like it to look like for our baby daughter. I got really lucky as I went to a model home blowout sale and got an entire, complete set of Pottery Barn crib bedding for $30! Yeah! It is a baby animal theme in soft beige, yellow and sage green. I am thrilled. It also is a great way to occupy my restless, impatient brain to find something tangible to do.
Another interesting thing. Bella has already begun talking about her baby sister - and has named her. She has chosen a name quite uniquely as we know NO ONE with this particular name! Last week in preschool, the class was asked to draw each member of his/her family. Bella drew Mama, Daddy, Bella, Dakota (dog), and baby sister _________. I could not believe it! She is getting very excited and has already made it clear what she wants her role to be as Mama's helper....some of which will need to be re-defined a bit.
So, this blog will be my cathartic place to muse about this adoptive journey we are on. And if no one reads it (besides those family members I bribe!), then so be it. I look forward to sharing this with my daughters in years to come. That is worth it.
Well, our dossier officially arrived in Ethiopia on May 2, 2008. We have been told that it takes anywhere from 6 to 10 months before receiving a referral (a picture and medical report of a baby girl 0-12 months who has been chosen for us). Last week we received an update from our adoption agency stating that the longest wait (as of last week) by a family for their referral for a child in the same age bracket as we have requested was 5 1/2 months.
And that is exactly where we are right now...5 1/2 months. So, we are choosing to remain hopeful and get excited about the fact that our referral could come any day now.
In the meantime, our I-600A form (the document from the INS that grants us permission to adopt internationally) expires on Dec. 14th. So, we have asked for an extension and pray that is granted before our this original one expires! Honestly, the paperwork just is never-ending!
We are also applying for financial aid to various wonderful organizations designed for adoptive families such as ours. I am sure with the economic downturn, there will be even more competition for those funds, but we believe there is something out there earmarked just for us! :)
We are getting really excited. I am already starting to clean out the guest room a bit and try to visualize what I would like it to look like for our baby daughter. I got really lucky as I went to a model home blowout sale and got an entire, complete set of Pottery Barn crib bedding for $30! Yeah! It is a baby animal theme in soft beige, yellow and sage green. I am thrilled. It also is a great way to occupy my restless, impatient brain to find something tangible to do.
Another interesting thing. Bella has already begun talking about her baby sister - and has named her. She has chosen a name quite uniquely as we know NO ONE with this particular name! Last week in preschool, the class was asked to draw each member of his/her family. Bella drew Mama, Daddy, Bella, Dakota (dog), and baby sister _________. I could not believe it! She is getting very excited and has already made it clear what she wants her role to be as Mama's helper....some of which will need to be re-defined a bit.
So, this blog will be my cathartic place to muse about this adoptive journey we are on. And if no one reads it (besides those family members I bribe!), then so be it. I look forward to sharing this with my daughters in years to come. That is worth it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)