Friday, September 28, 2012

It's Not Fair!!

Farewell to our home in Bend
Two months ago, our family packed up our home of nine years in Bend, OR, and traveled south to the Bay Area, CA to start the next chapter of our journey.

We landed in a cute little apartment with, to the delight of our girls, a swimming pool.

Fun with the cousins!
We often get asked why we decided to disrupt our idyllic life in the quiet, peaceful 'burbs and choose to land in the middle of the chaotic city life. Well, there are many reasons. For one, we wanted to be closer to family. My parents live in the Bay Area, my sister and family in Orange County. We also wanted to be closer to Bella's hospital. And we are SO glad we did. More on that later. Lastly, it just was not working for our family in Bend. There is nothing wrong with Bend. And there is nothing wrong with us (although, for a long time - I really did feel there was something wrong with ME). It just so happens that the combination of us and Bend was quite toxic. There are a lot of theories as to why that is the case, but in the end, we may never know for sure why that is. I mention this for one reason only - to encourage others to trust their instincts of a place does not seem to be a good fit for one's family or oneself. It is not you. It is not them. But, it is important to prayerfully consider other options that might breathe life into you and your family. It is worth it.
Bella's first day of school
Abeni/Mama date

So, here we are in the Bay Area and there is no doubt in our mind that it is the right decision for our family. How do I know? Here are some reasons::

1. For a variety of health-related reasons,  Bella cannot go to public school. She got in to a small private school here, and was offered a scholarship. She has already made friends, has play dates, and the staff and families have embraced us.

2. Martin's job description recently changed. One of the changes is that his entire team is located here in the Bay Area. So, instead of being the only one in the Bend office that does what he does, he now gets to collaborate face to face with his colleagues on a daily basis. And if THAT weren't enough, we got here to discover that there is a satellite office DOWN THE STREET from our apartment. What!?!?

3. We grew weary of the ignorant comments and stares at our Abeni by people. And Abeni was beginning to notice. I am sure this is not every interracial family's experience in Bend, but it was ours. And for us, it was very difficult and disconcerting. Our first week here in the Bay Area, we met another ETH adoptive family. Upon seeing them, Abeni jumps up and down and starts yelling, "She looks like me, Mama! She looks like ME!". Already, in the two months we have been here, we have connected with Ethiopians, other families who look like us, and Abeni is getting a lot of time to "fit in". :)

And with this, we live in a very multicultural apartment complex. After the first week or two, Bella commented, "Mommy! I have heard three different languages here! That is so COOL!"

For Martin and I, and for what we value and want for our children specifically, this was music to our ears.

4. We are 15 minutes from my parents. We have so enjoyed spending time with them, being able to integrate our lives and enjoy the ebb and flow of that type of relationship.

Ready for Enkutatash Celebration  in Oakland
Abeni's first ballet class

As many of you know, we did have quite the scare with Bella's health soon after our arrival to the Bay Area. At Bella's monthly blood draw, two very important labs came back worrisome. These numbers had not altered in five years. Upon a repeat of the labs, the discrepancy was even worse, so we knew it was not a fluke. I packed a bag for the hospital. I was convinced we were going to be admitted. Bella did not look good - greyish pale, whiney, bloated, fatigued. The doctors told us to do one last blood draw. That was a tall order considering the extreme amount of anxiety these blood draws cause Bella, but we did it anyway. Miraculously, her numbers had stabilized!
Family Day in the Santa Cruz Redwood Forest

I entitled this post "It's Not Fair" purposefully. I have been hearing that phrase a lot in our household. My response (thanks to the advice of a child psychologist friend) is to say "Each of you receive specifically what you need from us."

I have been thinking about this a lot. A girlfriend of mine has stage IV ovarian cancer. Another friend of mine is being encouraged to place her daughter on the transplant donor list. Another friend has a child who is experiencing some pretty intense bullying.

Life on earth is SO NOT fair. And sometimes, our sense of entitlement really intensifies that sense of fairness or lack thereof.

And I am the first one to admit that nothing tests my faith more than when my children suffer.

But my faith has also proven over and over again that the God I believe in is in the business of providing for us everything that we need. The un-fairness of it all is really more about us and our perception of what we think we deserve than it is about Him and some sort of lack of provision.

I hope and pray that in this new season of our family's journey, I can take more time to notice that provision, to be thankful for it, and to trust that the God I believe in will provide specifically for my needs -

above and beyond -

even if it does not look like what I think I deserve.


bonnieb said...

I love this blog, Carrie. Thank you for so clearly stating the truth and being vulnerable with the circumstances. So very glad you are "home".

joah katina said...